


Heaven Bound

by Rhang



Series: Divided [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, It’s sad but there’s a little hope in this one too, Longing, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Regret, Sadness, a little bit of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 12:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18194774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhang/pseuds/Rhang
Summary: A few months after The Snap, life goes on and the world continues to turn. No one can blame anyone for how they choose to cope with the new reality they are faced with. But what happens when coping just isn’t cutting it anymore? What then?





	Heaven Bound

**Author's Note:**

> This was sitting as a WIP for a while before I reworked it for Valentine’s Day and completely forgot about it lol. So I figured I’d finish it and put it out before Endgame comes out. It’d be a shame to let it go to waste. 
> 
> Takes place some months after the events of Infinity War. 
> 
> Any mistakes are mine.

Getting in from a hard mission, Steve closed the front door behind his self and sighed. He looked around his home and slipped into his numbing routine. The one he had adopted since he’d decide not to sell the house despite having memories of Sam around every corner. He had a normal day or at least he tried to. There was something special about the day from what he could glean from his surroundings–or at least there was supposed to be something special but he couldn’t feel it.

Steve showered, cooked dinner and watched some TV on the couch as he checked emails and finished paperwork. He wasn’t sure when but he leaned back on the couch and slipped off to sleep. The dark and stillness of sleep was always inviting. Steve saw it as a reprieve from a world where too many were missing and everyone still around after The Snap shared the same silent look amongst themselves: _Why are we still here?_

Slipping off into a deep slumber, Steve could feel his head was resting at a weird angle but he was too tired to fix himself or wake up and go to bed properly.

 _You’ll pay for that in the morning_ , Steve heard in Sam’s voice from somewhere deep in his memories. The comment caused a subtle clench in Steve’s chest as well as a soft tear to fall from the corner of Steve’s closed eye.

Steve opened his eyes back in the maddening silence of the house where he knew Sam wasn’t and sat forward on the couch. He wiped his eyes and looked around.

“Yeah, yeah,” he responded to the person he knew wasn’t there as he got up just the same. He turned off the TV, shut his computer down and went to bed. As he readied for sleep amidst the silence all around him, Steve avoided looking at the dresser in the corner where everything that belonged to Sam remained in its place, untouched or moved since the day they left to head to Wakanda those many months ago.

He climbed into bed and shut his eyes unwilling to cry himself into a deep slumber as was customary when he got back home to no one there to greet him. He fell asleep quickly and began to dream of random things before he felt a hand on his cheek. Steve stayed calm and reached to touch the hand touching him. He could feel skin and warmth under his fingers, the touch alone told him who it was but he knew in no way was it real. He opened his eyes and wept at the sight of Sam looking back at him just the way he had that last evening they spent together; before the battle in Wakanda.

He brought Sam’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles, wishing beyond reason that his lips could actually touch him again and that Sam would really be there. But a larger part of his mind knew Sam wasn’t there and all of this was just a dream. He didn’t know where Sam was right now, but for a moment – this precious moment – he was right here and that meant more than anything.

“Happy Valentine’s Day baby,” he whispered as he admired Sam’s face. It was in Sam's presence he remember what was supposed to make the day special.

“Has it been that long?” Sam wondered thoughtfully.

Steve swallowed on the lump in his throat before he said, “Yeah it’s been that long since-.”

As if reading his mind, Sam argued, “You don’t know that.”

“I don’t know if you are alive Sam! _Was_ _alive_ somewhere before we left that battlefield,” Steve said before dissolving into tears, choking on his anguish before he looked back into the eyes of the man he loved so much. “I don’t know if I left you there needing help–needing me–and I’m sorry Sam. I looked for you, I did, I searched. I’m so sorry baby. I’m sorry. It kills me every day not knowing for sure. Every . Single. Day.”

Sam sighed sadly at seeing Steve so torn up by this and leaned forward to kiss Steve’s forehead as Steve continued to cry. He pulled Steve into his arms and held him close as Steve released through tears: his regrets, guilt and anguish over everyone he felt he failed. He’d been carrying it for months and there was nowhere to set it down for a while, nowhere to get it out when everyone, the world, needed him to be there and focused.

Yet Steve knew he was failing to keep up the façade; that each day new cracks were forming the longer they went without any type of plan on reversing the consequences of The Snap. The longer they went, the more he felt his hope failing that they would save the day this time.

 

 

Dreams are rarely linear. Things happen out of sequence, sometimes quicker or slower than they would in the waking world. So it wasn’t a shock when suddenly he’d calmed down, and he was resting on his back with Sam laying his head on his chest. Steve ran his fingers against Sam’s arm remembering the feel of him.

“You’re wearing your wedding ring?” Sam noticed as Steve caressed his arm. He lifted his head to look back at Steve. “Since when? Thought you wanted to keep it hush hush?”

Steve looked into Sam’s eyes and remembered the evening when they took an hour to get married with Bucky as their witness. How their wedding reception was nothing more than the three of them and a few drinks at a bar Steve couldn’t remember the name of. That was the evening Steve felt he finally had a reason to settle down and build a life of his own away from the superhero business. That was just five months before they were called to Wakanda.

“I don't care who knows anymore,” Steve breathed wondering why he even wanted to keep such an amazing detail of his life secret. “I couldn't continue living like you were never here. That we never meant more to each other,” Steve explained brushing his thumb over Sam’s cheek. “I wear it every day as my reminder that you lived, that what we had was real. That we had plans for a life together.”

Steve pushed away thoughts of conversations they had about little feet running around the house days after they purchased it and took a deep breath. Instead he decided to savor memories of them together as Sam moved to lay beside him. Particularly what it felt like after getting back from a mission together, how warm and alive they both felt after fighting side by side. How they couldn’t wait for some privacy to hold each other, to reconnect and reaffirm their love to one another.

“What are you thinking about?” Sam asked.

Steve assessed Sam’s relaxed expression before answering, “Wondering if I would feel something if you were actually gone.”

“What do you mean?”

Steve shrugged looking away to put it into words so he could explain. “It hurts. Hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before but I don’t want to believe this feeling is because you’ve…passed away.” He looked back at Sam and touched his cheek. “I’ve lost loved ones before; call it denial but my heart doesn’t feel like you’re gone.”

Sam considered Steve’s expression as Steve looked into his eyes.

“I’ve tried convincing myself you were heaven bound and are now at peace but……something is telling me otherwise love,” Steve explained before he moved closer and kissed Sam’s lips. 

Sam smiled sweetly when they parted. “I would figure out a way to tell you wherever I end up. Maybe that something in your heart has merit,” Sam assured him.

 

 

* * *

Steve woke up hours later to dried tears on his cheeks, making his eyes rough and crusty as he rubbed them. He felt groggy and disoriented. The way you feel after a really hard sleep. He glanced at the bed beside him, empty as it had been for months now. But something gave Steve the impression he had just missed someone. He shook away the feeling and swung his legs over the edge of his bed. He worked diligently on waking up some more and tried to remember his dream but all that remained was a faint feeling of resilience despite not wanting to face another day. It brought a soft smile to his lips and made him think of Sam for some reason as he got up and headed to the bathroom to start his day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Was Sam really there or not? I'll leave that up to each of you to decide. :) Let me know what your thoughts are in the comment section.
> 
> (Cheers by the way! It's nice being back if even for a brief moment with this fic. :D )


End file.
